Making peace with the inevitable
People say that every cloud has a silver lining, but when the skies are just black, it can be really hard to see. Yesterday, I took Keiko to an emergency vet appointment because she has been passing blood for a few days. Although there are a number of benign potential causes, the vet referred me to a specialist to examine her insides with a fiber optic scope in case a tumor caused the bleeding.
The findings exceeded our worst fears. The scope showed her insides ravaged by cancer. If she responds to treatment, the doctor hopes she might have a couple months left. Otherwise, there will be considerably less time.
We’ve had Keiko since she was a puppy. For almost 10 years, the first thing I’ve done upon waking up and returning from work has been to take her for a walk. She’s slept by my side every night. We play fetch at least twice a day as well as other games. When she is at the kennel even for a day, the house seems empty.
Medically, the only thing we can do at this point is make her as comfortable as possible — the drugs she takes will hopefully reduce tumor size and pain. If there is a silver lining, it is that we can now do some things we always wanted. I’m going to take her to the beach where we’ll play until we’re exhausted, eat steak for dinner, and fall asleep. Many years of good living and discipline will allow us to appreciate a few moments when we can break the normal rules.
Keiko still isn’t too sick to enjoy many of her favorite activities, and the best thing I can do to have as much fun with her as possible — it will be hard for her to enjoy herself if she sees how much this is wrecking me up. In the name of my own sanity, what I need to do for her is good for me too. Hopefully, when the time comes to let her go, we will both be at peace and happy for the times we had together.